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Whenever I try to write anything for this blog I just get annoyed and end up deleting it. I feel like there is no point to posting any of this crap on the internet. It's not like I am saying anything important. It's all random scribblings that I may as well keep to myself. Journals are the only writing I have been doing lately. Haven't been able to get myself to do anything else. Even posting this pathetic little explanation for lack of posting on my blog feels pointless. Nobody reads any of this, so I may as well just be talking to an empty room.

Why hello there.

     I haven't posted anything in forever. I don't know if anyone actually reads any of my posts, but if by chance anyone does, sorry I've been so absent.
     The last few months have been especially crappy for me. The only really good thing about them has been my boyfriend who I love dearly, everything else has been crap. I've struggled with self-harm and an eating disorder for over two years along with major depression. All my issues seem to be getting progressively worse. I've been forced back into therapy, and tomorrow I have to see a psychiatrist and be put on medication again. I'm still just as against taking them as I've always been, but I don't know what else to do. My mother is forcing me into it. I'll give them a try i suppose, but if i don't like the effects that they have on me I will flat out stop taking them.
     If you've never self-harmed, but are considering it, PLEASE DON'T. It's taken over my life and I can't stop. The scars it will leave on your body are hideous gashes that may never completely fade. People will judge you for them constantly. You'll try to keep it localized to one small area of your body where you think nobody will see, but it WILL spread to more visible areas. You WILL start going deeper. It's a terrible addiction, don't do it. To those who are struggling with self harm, depression or eating disorders: I feel your pain, you are not alone. You are all beautiful :)
~ Evangeline <3

Prozac Nation

     Elizabeth Wurtzel was right when she wrote about how we're all living in a prozac nation. America is all about the pharmaceuticals. Teens have the worst of it though. Adults at least can make their own decision on whether or not they want to get zonked out on antidepressants to make them forget how much they hate their jobs. Teenagers get forced and coerced by fed up parents to choke down mind numbing meds that are supposed to "cure" us.
     Can't focus? Take a pill. Feeling lost, hopeless, scared, confused, or stressed? Take a pill. Those ones aren't working you say? Don't worry we have thousands more we can test on you! - Since when is being a teenager a disease? There are some people who legitimately need something to take the edge off so they don't go postal, I know that. It just pisses me off that parents would rather ship their kids off to a psychiatrist than actually talk to them. It feels like they're trying to make us into obedient, medicated zombies that never challenge anything they say. My parents have tried to medicate me so many times and i always flat out refuse now. The one time i tried taking meds i felt like I may as well be dead. I couldn't feel ANYTHING!

Stupid Ass Highschooler Wannabes

Why is it that some freshmen seem to think that its cool to get into drugs as soon as they reach high school? Just FYI it doesn't earn you any respect or cred from the upperclassmen. We all just think you're idiots that have no idea what you are getting yourself into. Popping random pills that people give you is the STUPIDEST IDEA EVER! Also, walking around in booty shorts dragging on a cigarette does not make you a cool kid, it makes you a ho, we're all REALLY impressed by the way. Go put on some f**king clothes and be your own person, not some pretentious wannabe. If you're into art do your artwork. Likewise with music or any other hobbies you have. You'll get much more respect for being yourself than for trying to fit in to some stupid high school stereotype.

Teenage Angst

Sometimes I really just get fed up with well...everything. I try so hard in school, I try hard to make everyone around me happy, and for what?! Nothing ever gets much better. I always try to have hope for the future. I tell myself things will be better in a few years, but will they really? Things could get a whole lot better or a whole lot worse. All anyone can do is tough it out and see what happens, (There's other options, but not ones i would recommend). I'm just sick of seeing people that don't know how to treat others with compassion and respect! It pisses me off when people mistreat others. It pisses me off even more that I can't do much about it. I wish I could gather up all the other broken and abused people so we could all move to a place far away from the people who have hurt us.

Can't sleep AGAIN

     Seems like I can never get any sleep lately. Last night I was up until 1am and woke up at 5am...ouch. Right now it's around 1:30am and I once again find myself unable to sleep. I've got too much shit on my mind to even try to sleep, which is the case most nights. I've never been able to figure out exactly why my mind is so screwed up. Craziness just runs in my family I guess.
     At least when I'm up late I have time to sketch and listen to music :) That's what I've been doing the last couple nights to keep my mind off things. Ugh... I really shouldn't try to blog when I'm so sleep deprived, it ends up being just random ramblings. I'm not sure if anybody even reads my blog, but if anyone out there happens to be reading this I apologize for my boring late night scribblings. I've been trying to think of what to do with this blog that would be more interesting. I have some ideas, but some of the things I've considered writing about are really personal and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with sharing them. It's not like anyone who comes across this blog will know who I am, but still. I'll probably end up writing a post about it eventually anyways. I never tell any of my secrets to people i'm close with, but for some reason i don't have any big problem with random strangers reading about them. As I said, no one reading it will know who I am. I'll think about it and make up my mind when I'm less sleep deprived. Sorry for all the long and pointless posts.
                                                                                               ~Evangeline <3

Sketching and depression

I've just been doing a lot of fashion sketches today. Fashion design is a bit of a hobby of mine. I mostly draw goth outfits and fancy ballgowns. I've just been in a crappy mood today and haven't felt like doing anything but draw. I just feel really worthless sometimes. I'm also really ashamed of some of my recent behavior. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I need therapy for my issues, but then I would have to admit my problems to people. It's not like I ever endanger anyone else with my actions. I don't drink or do drugs. I just have this one bad habit that I really need to quit. I know its not good for me, and I've been trying to stop doing it, but it just gets really difficult sometimes. When I get depressed like this its hard to stop thinking about it. I know I make the one person who really cares about me worry all the time, which I feel really bad about. I just want to be able to fix everything, but I know I can't.