I know that nobody reads this blog, but I know I get worried when I stumble across a blog about depression that hasn't been updated in three years. So...yeah not dead. Not planning on becoming dead any time soon. I still have depression, likely will for the rest of my life, but it is a lot more manageable now as compared to how it used to be.
~ Evangeline <3
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Feeling Accepted
Had the joy of meeting up with some new friends and my boyfriend to go downtown yesterday. It was nice to be able to have conversations with some depth to them for once. My old friends don't know how to have a good deep conversation. They haven't had enough life experience yet. These new friends are more like me. We have our damages and troubled pasts, but it makes us deeper people. The four of us can be so open with one another because we all have issues and won't judge. It's so refreshing to not have to hide bits of me away and pretend to be something I'm not.
Yesterday we got some coffee, went to a book store where I bought a copy of Kurt Cobain's Journals, and then saw the movie Looper at the theatre. There were also many meaningful conversations. Hanging out with others who have mental health problems and just talking makes me feel so much better, and I think it does the same for them. We all feel less freaky and alone.
Back when school started in August these two new friends were actually what gave me the courage to go to school without bandanas and bracelets covering my wrists. The first week of school I was a nervous wreck because I had made the decision to not cover up and felt really awkward with all the white lines trailing across my arms visible to my classmates for the first time. Then I started sitting with these new friends and noticed the scars on their arms. The fact that they had no shame about theirs made me feel less ashamed of mine. Accepting friends makes everything better.
Yesterday we got some coffee, went to a book store where I bought a copy of Kurt Cobain's Journals, and then saw the movie Looper at the theatre. There were also many meaningful conversations. Hanging out with others who have mental health problems and just talking makes me feel so much better, and I think it does the same for them. We all feel less freaky and alone.
Back when school started in August these two new friends were actually what gave me the courage to go to school without bandanas and bracelets covering my wrists. The first week of school I was a nervous wreck because I had made the decision to not cover up and felt really awkward with all the white lines trailing across my arms visible to my classmates for the first time. Then I started sitting with these new friends and noticed the scars on their arms. The fact that they had no shame about theirs made me feel less ashamed of mine. Accepting friends makes everything better.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
errrggggg
My mind is pissing me off lately. It keeps on deciding to have me develop more weird quirks and disorders. Trichotillomania, Dermatillomania, self-harm, depression, anxiety, facial tics, disordered eating tendencies; the list keeps growing. I've gone back into therapy which is good. I've found a few friends who suffer from similar problems which is comforting. We all know we are not alone. I've been doing a bit better with some of my issues, and not so great with others. My eyebrows, for instance, are looking rather sparse from pulling at them yesterday. My scalp has been attacked too. Fortunately no bald patches at the moment. High stress and anxiety make me do all sorts of odd things :p
I've been getting back into my art more the past week or so. That always helps things. Knitting is especially beneficial because it keeps both my hands occupied. To anyone struggling with mental health problems, I definitely recommend taking up some sort of hobby. I prefer art or running, but there are plenty of other things that help to get one's mind off things. Would not suggest things like TV or video games. Watching a movie or occasionally playing some videogames is all well and good. Just not all the time, then they are just mind numbing. I've always preferred reading as an escape; it's better for your brain :) I know how difficult doing fun things can be when you are depressed, but make yourself do them anyway. You will feel better for doing so. I for one feel so much better after getting out my paint set and blasting some music while working on a canvas. Sometimes I even revert back into a five year old and do some finger painting :p Doesn't fix everything, but it helps. Find your bliss. <3
~Evangeline <3
I've been getting back into my art more the past week or so. That always helps things. Knitting is especially beneficial because it keeps both my hands occupied. To anyone struggling with mental health problems, I definitely recommend taking up some sort of hobby. I prefer art or running, but there are plenty of other things that help to get one's mind off things. Would not suggest things like TV or video games. Watching a movie or occasionally playing some videogames is all well and good. Just not all the time, then they are just mind numbing. I've always preferred reading as an escape; it's better for your brain :) I know how difficult doing fun things can be when you are depressed, but make yourself do them anyway. You will feel better for doing so. I for one feel so much better after getting out my paint set and blasting some music while working on a canvas. Sometimes I even revert back into a five year old and do some finger painting :p Doesn't fix everything, but it helps. Find your bliss. <3
~Evangeline <3
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
...
Whenever I try to write anything for this blog I just get annoyed and end up deleting it. I feel like there is no point to posting any of this crap on the internet. It's not like I am saying anything important. It's all random scribblings that I may as well keep to myself. Journals are the only writing I have been doing lately. Haven't been able to get myself to do anything else. Even posting this pathetic little explanation for lack of posting on my blog feels pointless. Nobody reads any of this, so I may as well just be talking to an empty room.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Why hello there.
I haven't posted anything in forever. I don't know if anyone actually reads any of my posts, but if by chance anyone does, sorry I've been so absent.
The last few months have been especially crappy for me. The only really good thing about them has been my boyfriend who I love dearly, everything else has been crap. I've struggled with self-harm and an eating disorder for over two years along with major depression. All my issues seem to be getting progressively worse. I've been forced back into therapy, and tomorrow I have to see a psychiatrist and be put on medication again. I'm still just as against taking them as I've always been, but I don't know what else to do. My mother is forcing me into it. I'll give them a try i suppose, but if i don't like the effects that they have on me I will flat out stop taking them.
If you've never self-harmed, but are considering it, PLEASE DON'T. It's taken over my life and I can't stop. The scars it will leave on your body are hideous gashes that may never completely fade. People will judge you for them constantly. You'll try to keep it localized to one small area of your body where you think nobody will see, but it WILL spread to more visible areas. You WILL start going deeper. It's a terrible addiction, don't do it. To those who are struggling with self harm, depression or eating disorders: I feel your pain, you are not alone. You are all beautiful :)
~ Evangeline <3
The last few months have been especially crappy for me. The only really good thing about them has been my boyfriend who I love dearly, everything else has been crap. I've struggled with self-harm and an eating disorder for over two years along with major depression. All my issues seem to be getting progressively worse. I've been forced back into therapy, and tomorrow I have to see a psychiatrist and be put on medication again. I'm still just as against taking them as I've always been, but I don't know what else to do. My mother is forcing me into it. I'll give them a try i suppose, but if i don't like the effects that they have on me I will flat out stop taking them.
If you've never self-harmed, but are considering it, PLEASE DON'T. It's taken over my life and I can't stop. The scars it will leave on your body are hideous gashes that may never completely fade. People will judge you for them constantly. You'll try to keep it localized to one small area of your body where you think nobody will see, but it WILL spread to more visible areas. You WILL start going deeper. It's a terrible addiction, don't do it. To those who are struggling with self harm, depression or eating disorders: I feel your pain, you are not alone. You are all beautiful :)
~ Evangeline <3
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Prozac Nation
Elizabeth Wurtzel was right when she wrote about how we're all living in a prozac nation. America is all about the pharmaceuticals. Teens have the worst of it though. Adults at least can make their own decision on whether or not they want to get zonked out on antidepressants to make them forget how much they hate their jobs. Teenagers get forced and coerced by fed up parents to choke down mind numbing meds that are supposed to "cure" us.
Can't focus? Take a pill. Feeling lost, hopeless, scared, confused, or stressed? Take a pill. Those ones aren't working you say? Don't worry we have thousands more we can test on you! - Since when is being a teenager a disease? There are some people who legitimately need something to take the edge off so they don't go postal, I know that. It just pisses me off that parents would rather ship their kids off to a psychiatrist than actually talk to them. It feels like they're trying to make us into obedient, medicated zombies that never challenge anything they say. My parents have tried to medicate me so many times and i always flat out refuse now. The one time i tried taking meds i felt like I may as well be dead. I couldn't feel ANYTHING!
Can't focus? Take a pill. Feeling lost, hopeless, scared, confused, or stressed? Take a pill. Those ones aren't working you say? Don't worry we have thousands more we can test on you! - Since when is being a teenager a disease? There are some people who legitimately need something to take the edge off so they don't go postal, I know that. It just pisses me off that parents would rather ship their kids off to a psychiatrist than actually talk to them. It feels like they're trying to make us into obedient, medicated zombies that never challenge anything they say. My parents have tried to medicate me so many times and i always flat out refuse now. The one time i tried taking meds i felt like I may as well be dead. I couldn't feel ANYTHING!
Stupid Ass Highschooler Wannabes
Why is it that some freshmen seem to think that its cool to get into drugs as soon as they reach high school? Just FYI it doesn't earn you any respect or cred from the upperclassmen. We all just think you're idiots that have no idea what you are getting yourself into. Popping random pills that people give you is the STUPIDEST IDEA EVER! Also, walking around in booty shorts dragging on a cigarette does not make you a cool kid, it makes you a ho, we're all REALLY impressed by the way. Go put on some f**king clothes and be your own person, not some pretentious wannabe. If you're into art do your artwork. Likewise with music or any other hobbies you have. You'll get much more respect for being yourself than for trying to fit in to some stupid high school stereotype.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Teenage Angst
Sometimes I really just get fed up with well...everything. I try so hard in school, I try hard to make everyone around me happy, and for what?! Nothing ever gets much better. I always try to have hope for the future. I tell myself things will be better in a few years, but will they really? Things could get a whole lot better or a whole lot worse. All anyone can do is tough it out and see what happens, (There's other options, but not ones i would recommend). I'm just sick of seeing people that don't know how to treat others with compassion and respect! It pisses me off when people mistreat others. It pisses me off even more that I can't do much about it. I wish I could gather up all the other broken and abused people so we could all move to a place far away from the people who have hurt us.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Can't sleep AGAIN
Seems like I can never get any sleep lately. Last night I was up until 1am and woke up at 5am...ouch. Right now it's around 1:30am and I once again find myself unable to sleep. I've got too much shit on my mind to even try to sleep, which is the case most nights. I've never been able to figure out exactly why my mind is so screwed up. Craziness just runs in my family I guess.
At least when I'm up late I have time to sketch and listen to music :) That's what I've been doing the last couple nights to keep my mind off things. Ugh... I really shouldn't try to blog when I'm so sleep deprived, it ends up being just random ramblings. I'm not sure if anybody even reads my blog, but if anyone out there happens to be reading this I apologize for my boring late night scribblings. I've been trying to think of what to do with this blog that would be more interesting. I have some ideas, but some of the things I've considered writing about are really personal and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with sharing them. It's not like anyone who comes across this blog will know who I am, but still. I'll probably end up writing a post about it eventually anyways. I never tell any of my secrets to people i'm close with, but for some reason i don't have any big problem with random strangers reading about them. As I said, no one reading it will know who I am. I'll think about it and make up my mind when I'm less sleep deprived. Sorry for all the long and pointless posts.
~Evangeline <3
At least when I'm up late I have time to sketch and listen to music :) That's what I've been doing the last couple nights to keep my mind off things. Ugh... I really shouldn't try to blog when I'm so sleep deprived, it ends up being just random ramblings. I'm not sure if anybody even reads my blog, but if anyone out there happens to be reading this I apologize for my boring late night scribblings. I've been trying to think of what to do with this blog that would be more interesting. I have some ideas, but some of the things I've considered writing about are really personal and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with sharing them. It's not like anyone who comes across this blog will know who I am, but still. I'll probably end up writing a post about it eventually anyways. I never tell any of my secrets to people i'm close with, but for some reason i don't have any big problem with random strangers reading about them. As I said, no one reading it will know who I am. I'll think about it and make up my mind when I'm less sleep deprived. Sorry for all the long and pointless posts.
~Evangeline <3
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Sketching and depression
I've just been doing a lot of fashion sketches today. Fashion design is a bit of a hobby of mine. I mostly draw goth outfits and fancy ballgowns. I've just been in a crappy mood today and haven't felt like doing anything but draw. I just feel really worthless sometimes. I'm also really ashamed of some of my recent behavior. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I need therapy for my issues, but then I would have to admit my problems to people. It's not like I ever endanger anyone else with my actions. I don't drink or do drugs. I just have this one bad habit that I really need to quit. I know its not good for me, and I've been trying to stop doing it, but it just gets really difficult sometimes. When I get depressed like this its hard to stop thinking about it. I know I make the one person who really cares about me worry all the time, which I feel really bad about. I just want to be able to fix everything, but I know I can't.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Ugh...crazy night last night
I had a really crazy night. I partied way too hard and ended up passing out. NOT GOOD. I'm fine now for the most part, but me knee is all scraped up from when I blacked out. I feel like a fucking idiot and I'm never doing stupid shit like that ever again! I know better than that. Life has just been way to crazy lately. I need to just calm the hell down and get some perspective on things. I don't like the path that I've been on lately and I'm determined to change it before I seriously screw myself over. I'm just glad I got home in one piece last night. I used to be so much more level headed and responsible than this. I'm so mad at myself. I'm just venting here right now because I have nowhere else to vent. I'm going to start being more responsible and stop being so damn self-destructive.
~Evangeline
~Evangeline
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Late Night Artist
Well it's past 1am. I'm up blasting music and doing my artwork. I always work best at night. Everything is much more quiet at night and my creative thoughts flow freely. It's not like I have to be up early in the morning during the summer anyway. My brain is being mainly fueled by coffee at the moment. I drink way too much of that stuff. Not really sure why I'm even bothering with this blog. I doubt anyone will read it. I guess that doesn't really matter though. Whatever happens, happens. If I decide that keeping a blog isn't doing anything for me I'll just stop posting. God, I really shouldn't post so late at night, I tend to ramble. I may be better at most varieties of my artwork late at night, but not always writing. I'm just going to shut the hell up now.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Why Hello There.
Hey, My name is Evangeline. I'm starting this blog as a place to voice my thoughts free from judgement. Well sure, if anyone reads this they can judge me, but no one will know who I am. That's the beauty of the internet.
So here's a little bit about myself. I'm really into art and music. Drawing and writing are my main focus in the realm of art but i have dabbled in many different art-forms. My style is dark and artsy, all the black I wear may be a little un-nerving to some people, but truly I'm a very kind person. That being said I can be a bit of a loner sometimes. I have a group of friends that I love dearly, but at times I can also greatly value solitude. Due to some tough circumstances that i have experienced in my life I sometimes struggle with severe depression, but I manage it without any type of drugs or medication. I'm not a big believer in therapy or medication. I think adults are too quick to try and medicate those of my generation, rather than actually listening to us.
I have a lot of opinions and philosophical ideals that many people my age wouldn't agree with or understand. I'm a major pacifist. The idea of war and violence sickens me. The 9/11 terrorist attacks happened when I was in first grade, so I've grown up hearing about the struggles in the Middle East. Seeing humans kill other humans, people who are supposed to be our brothers and sisters, makes me disappointed in the human race. We have such great potential, but we squander it by fighting over things like money and religion. More people have been killed in the name of religion than anything else in history. The thing is that a lot of the major religions are all based upon similar principles, yet people fight over which one is better. Personally I don't believe in any particular higher power. I've tried to, but I just can't. I'm not saying there definitely isn't one, but the truth is that no one can know for sure, so what's the point in arguing about it?
I believe that war should not exist. People need to accept others the way that they are and stop trying to kill off people who are different than them. The world as a whole needs the start practicing tolerance and acceptance. if we don't we will all destroy each other. I know getting the whole world to cooperate and function as a whole is a farfetched idea. It's nearly impossible, but if it doesn't happen the human race will eventually self-destruct.
Okay I'm going to end my ranting here. See, I told you I had some strong and kind of out there opinions for a girl of my age. I doubt that anyone will ever even read this blog, but if anyone does I hope they will leave a comment telling me what they think about what I've said. I'd prefer that anyone leaving a comment be respectful about it, let's not start any arguments.
So here's a little bit about myself. I'm really into art and music. Drawing and writing are my main focus in the realm of art but i have dabbled in many different art-forms. My style is dark and artsy, all the black I wear may be a little un-nerving to some people, but truly I'm a very kind person. That being said I can be a bit of a loner sometimes. I have a group of friends that I love dearly, but at times I can also greatly value solitude. Due to some tough circumstances that i have experienced in my life I sometimes struggle with severe depression, but I manage it without any type of drugs or medication. I'm not a big believer in therapy or medication. I think adults are too quick to try and medicate those of my generation, rather than actually listening to us.
I have a lot of opinions and philosophical ideals that many people my age wouldn't agree with or understand. I'm a major pacifist. The idea of war and violence sickens me. The 9/11 terrorist attacks happened when I was in first grade, so I've grown up hearing about the struggles in the Middle East. Seeing humans kill other humans, people who are supposed to be our brothers and sisters, makes me disappointed in the human race. We have such great potential, but we squander it by fighting over things like money and religion. More people have been killed in the name of religion than anything else in history. The thing is that a lot of the major religions are all based upon similar principles, yet people fight over which one is better. Personally I don't believe in any particular higher power. I've tried to, but I just can't. I'm not saying there definitely isn't one, but the truth is that no one can know for sure, so what's the point in arguing about it?
I believe that war should not exist. People need to accept others the way that they are and stop trying to kill off people who are different than them. The world as a whole needs the start practicing tolerance and acceptance. if we don't we will all destroy each other. I know getting the whole world to cooperate and function as a whole is a farfetched idea. It's nearly impossible, but if it doesn't happen the human race will eventually self-destruct.
Okay I'm going to end my ranting here. See, I told you I had some strong and kind of out there opinions for a girl of my age. I doubt that anyone will ever even read this blog, but if anyone does I hope they will leave a comment telling me what they think about what I've said. I'd prefer that anyone leaving a comment be respectful about it, let's not start any arguments.
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